Anniversaries of loved ones lost

On October 22, 2014, my only child Waylon James Adams was born and on October 24, 2014, my Son died.

He was my miracle baby in every way. My husband and I tried in our 16 year marriage to get pregnant but it never happened. I thought it was me. My marriage ended and I got into another relationship one month later. I was pregnant.

I got off the drugs and moved home to the reservation I grew up on. I then got tribal housing and a great job. His nursery was perfect with so many new things from all the family.

His Father went to prison, and I could finally breathe, my unborn child and me. Oh the life I would create for him and me! But little did I know a high risk pregnancy it would be.

On that fall day as those words rang out, Your boy didn't make it. I would scream and shout, You LIAR, you Foul MAN, you go get me boy and you get him now! I would punch and scream at my Dad, You're my Father damn it, you fix it, and you fix it now!

Shock and disbelief...what do I do now?

I went home and locked myself in my baby's nursery for four days. I could still smell the way he smelt that brief time that I got to hold him.

From there, I found myself living under that Fourth Avenue Bridge in Olympia, WA, losing a little bit more of my mind one day at a time. Why is it I just won't die? At least I would be by my Son's side.

Two years later, I clawed my way out of the pit of that hell and decided it was time to try and get right.

Someone told me, Noblelee don't you know that there are holes in the floor of heaven and your boy is smiling down and rooting for you now. He is with your murdered Brother and they want and need you to get right please do it and do it now. I thought, it hurts...God it hurts...I just don't know how. I would try for my boy, and he would see me try now.

This poem was presented to me. It is called,"Always There," by Emma Marie Etwell.

When you remember me, please do not weep.

My body may not be there, it has chosen to sleep.

I'm not that far away.

My soul lives on, looking down, watching over you and everyone.

And when you feel sad and life seems so blue,

Just remember that my spirit has its arms around you.

And on those special days, times that you wish I could see,

That cool breeze flowing past you... well, that will be me.

So don't be sad. Have no fear.

God has taken me under his wing but I'll always be near.

I still watch you every minute, every day.

My love and soul are with you, and that's where they will stay.

I am a mother and I have a Son, and you and I know that can never be undone.

The first two years worth of birthdays and anniversaries, I was lost and loaded.

Let me tell you your loved ones will try and be there, they will try and understand, they may even try and plan those dates out for you but I am here to tell you more often than not I will say that I have plans alone with my precious memories of my boy and those are mine and mine alone. Every year I send a balloon straight up to my boy with a message from Mommy.

My boy will be eight years old this year, and I will shed plenty of tears. My boy gets to see me ok today. To Waylon I say, In my heart and in my mind your precious memories will stay and until that day we meet again I will love you everyday. My boy, My boy that will never go away.

In closing, remember it is ok to say today is mine and my boy's day, and I am not ok. I may have to stay home in my bed. I will stay, but let's hope tomorrow will be a better day. Please don't judge me. I pray and hope you never have to feel this way.