Make Way for Raw Nerves (I wish I was better at this!)

Calls for therapy

“She needs therapy,” someone whispered, followed by silent but adamant head nods by coworkers huddled in the break room, some with raised eyebrows that demonstrate their superiority.

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“Have you gotten any therapy for that?” my friend asked me when I shared about the struggles I’d been having. She didn’t know what else to say.  I get it, but...

***

“You’re going to need to get some therapy to show us that you are serious about getting better,” a supervisor said, while putting an employee on probationary status at work.

***

Ok, but...now my wounds are exposed!

There are many kinds of “therapy,” many ways of finding relief or actually healing from what ails us. Of course, in the calls for “therapy” at the beginning of this article, the meaning is clear: the kinds of therapy offered by a mental health counselor, from general talk therapy to protocols like Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy. 

I have had experience with several variations on this kind of therapy, and most of them helped me in the long run, each in different ways. One thing was common across all of those helpful experiences though: life got extra challenging while I was in it. It makes sense when you think about it. Counseling digs up all the things that we’ve been stuffing - ineffectively, of course, since that stuffed stuff usually shows up in destructive ways, like being short-tempered or fatalistic, or in escapist and often addictive behaviors. It takes time to work through all of that stuff once it’s dug up, and while that’s in process, it floats on the surface, a set of exposed wounds, raw nerves that can be aggravated if the wind blows across them wrong.

I often stopped therapy before I was done with it because of this. I found myself exhausted, not just because of the work I was doing in my therapist’s office each week but because of trying to manage life while covered with exposed wounds and often not doing it very well. 

The last time I went through this was when I was living in Cabo San Lucas, doing a minimal amount of consulting work, reacquainting myself with my creative writing voice, connecting more with my loved ones, and beginning a holistic healing practice that involved yoga, meditation, and connection with the ocean. It was truly an ideal situation in which to be doing talk therapy too. Still, those reopened wounds snuck up on me and made life difficult, particularly in the two other parts of my life at that time that I haven’t mentioned yet: 1) supporting my husband in what he was going through at the time and 2) starting a new business with my bff. Those were the two parts of my life that needed me to be my very best self, and I simply was not. When my husband was hurting, I harrumphed and told him to get his shit together, basically. I was unkind and unsupportive. When my bff needed me to go the extra mile, to give what only I could give to the work, I focused on his failures and crumbled under the weight of what he was asking of me. 

Both relationships teetered on the edge of ending. My husband knew what I was going through, and we white-knuckled that period in our relationship simultaneously. I apologized to my bff and our other business partner when I roared at them when my wounds were on fire and I couldn’t manage the stress that we were experiencing, but telling them what was going on with me seemed to make things worse as my bff’s paternalistic side kicked into high gear, and I felt misunderstood and judged. 

They bore responsibility in those situations, of course, but I know I could’ve shown up for them better if I wasn’t so raw and unsettled. Even my morning practices each day weren’t enough to shield those wounds between therapy sessions. This makes me think of a friend and previous OnSurviving guest, Cuica Montoya, who shared that what she needed to heal in a way that would truly allow her to build a healthier future was to stop all the other life responsibilities and focus on that healing process. She was able to get into a transitional housing program that allowed her to do that, and she has been building an incredible life for herself and making a positive impact on the world ever since.

How can we make way for therapy (and all those exposed, raw nerves)?

I would like to see more programs like the one that Cuica accessed, so more people can take advantage of them, especially when working through their most arresting trauma. That said, these programs are few and far between, and some people need to find a way to fit their therapeutic work into the normal flow of their lives. I truly wish I was better at doing so, so I could tell someone who is going through it how to navigate it most successfully. In the end, I think there are things we can do for ourselves, and we also need others in our lives to provide better support for us while we are at it. Following is my best thinking on what we can do for ourselves and how others can do better too.

For ourselves while in therapy:

• Shore yourself up with additional wellness practices. Eat well, even though you may not feel like it. Drink lots of water: the Mayo Clinic suggests, “About 11.5 cups (2.7 liters) of fluids a day for women,” and “About 15.5 cups (3.7 liters) of fluids a day for men.” Sleep as much as you can (recognizing that this is not always in our control and that sleep troubles can get worse for a bit). At least once each week, get to nature and just be for at least 15 minutes - no excuses, make it happen, ask for help when needed. Stay connected with at least one person other than your therapist who gets you or what you’re going through, even if that is a stranger on a helpline. 

• Negotiate flexible time off at work. If you can, give your supervisor a heads-up that you are dealing with some stuff in your personal life that may need some flexibility in time off in order for you to give your best at work. Ask them how that might work best for the job you have to do. If it means switching shifts with folks, talk to trusted colleagues who could help with that. If it means doing extra on days when things are going well for you in order to bank some extra time, great - not every day will suck, so give extra when things are good.  

• Ask for grace and space from your loved ones. If your loved ones have a better understanding of what you are dealing with, they just might be able to give you what you need when you need it. Of course, they also might be dealing with their own stuff, so it doesn’t always work out well. If that’s the case, remember to keep communicating, give love and support to them when you can, and keep asking for what you need when you need it. If nothing else, return to those self-care steps to help you navigate these rocky times - get to nature, breathe, give yourself compassion. All of that will help you get to the other side of this and reap the benefits of therapy. 

For others - loved ones, colleagues, and employers of people in therapy:

• Recognize that therapy isn’t the end-all-be-all of wellness; it’s a process. The emotions and challenging behaviors that are making you uncomfortable are not going to go away once someone is in therapy. In fact, they are likely to be heightened for a bit. 

• Find your compassion, get to empathy, and see the mutual gain in it. We are all human, and what we are going through doesn’t stay in tidy little boxes to only be opened when it’s convenient. That’s just not reality. Recognize that we are all different too and that people will need different things than you do. Listen and recognize that your support will help make things better for everyone in the long run. Offer room for mistakes too, take a deep breath, and do your best to help them get back on track when they are ready.

• Go the extra mile. My bff talks about how his father always told him that it is our responsibility to give what we are able, especially when others can’t do it themselves at any given time. We all have different capacities at different times, so when you know someone is stretched thin, help lighten their load and do so without replacing that load with another load of guilt. Just get it done, trust that it is the right thing to do, and let that be enough. 

• Employers: trust and get creative. Trust your employees when they tell you they are dealing with something difficult and are working on it and just need some leeway while they do that - it’s not an excuse to be lazy at work. That said, you don’t have to just accept poor performance on the job when someone is going through tough times while in therapy, and you don’t have to treat your employees like they are on thin ice either. Like the advice given above to folks who are struggling while going through therapy, talk with them about times when they can do more to offset the tough times. If there’s a part of their job that needs more consistency, consider shuffling responsibilities for a little while. If they need to switch shifts from time to time, be supportive - as long as the work is getting done, and they are doing their part to hook that up, don’t come down on them for it. 

That’s it. It’s the best I have to offer. This is a topic that could really use some community wisdom, so please comment with whatever you have to add or amend.