Working Through the Pain

How many times I would hear these words ringing in my ear from such a young age, and all throughout my life, “You need to get some help.” I thought, What does that even mean, why do I need help, what is wrong with me, and who in the hell is going to help me when the ones that already should be helping me aren’t?

In Search of True Help

My first attempt at a school counselor made me very leary and non-trusting - and sad,  which showed up in my body as slouched shoulders, hung head, sad eyes and heart. I moved so much that I never saw a counselor for long. The next attempt was HIPAA violation after HIPAA violation, every bit of the most personal information that took me literally forever to disclose was leaked to my father. How that showed up in my body was rage!!! Fuck counseling, I had thought. Then there were years of short-lived, state-issued, maximum of eight sessions, until about six months ago when I was introduced to Internal Family Systems (IFS). 

IFS is an innovative and evidence-based form of psychotherapy that aims to bring harmony to the mind by addressing its multiple sub-personalities or parts. The essence of IFS lies in its unique approach to understanding and integrating these parts, which can often be in conflict, in order to achieve psychological balance and healing. At the core of IFS is the belief that everyone possesses a central, confident, and compassionate self. This self is seen as the leader of the internal system, guiding the parts towards greater cooperation and harmony. The therapy focuses on helping individuals identify these parts, understand their roles and intentions, and address the burdens they carry, such as traumatic memories or deep-seated fears. By doing so, IFS fosters an environment where the self can emerge more robust, enabling a person to heal and grow from within. Thus, internal family systems therapy offers a path to managing symptoms and fundamentally transforming how one relates to one's emotions and experiences.

I have suppressed so many of the painful memories, as well as numb them out with substances for the past two decades, so I did not think that this type of therapy was going to work on me, surprisingly it did, my parts took to it relatively fast, and the painful and rewarding work began.

Living Life While Going Through IFS Therapy 

The sessions start with scanning your body, how you and your parts are feeling, and where  those feelings are showing up in your body. After an intense memory mine almost always showed up in my gut with a gnawing and aching feeling, very tight and uncomfortable shoulders, such a scared and vulnerable heart, so much anxiety and twitching and uncontrollable movement, and so much hard crying, I would have to back into judgmental, non-supportive, and uneducated world with all of that going on. 

My sessions are on Tuesdays at 3:00, so I still must go back to work for just a bit when done. I have such a wide array of emotions following these sessions: 

• Sadness shows up in tears and vulnerability, which shows up in a hung head and slouched shoulders. 

• Fear shows up as isolation and pushing away. 

• Anxiety shows up as a manic high. 

• Then also on the other end, I find myself feeling lighter, a sense of relief, on top of all the other emotions. 

The day of the session, and the next day, I feel extreme sadness and my PTSD and mental health are usually triggered, but then on the second day up until the next session, I feel wonderful, very light and energetic, and I am starting to understand some of the complicated puzzle that I call my past, the last 50 years, if you will.

The second part of the therapy is called EMDR, eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. It is also a form of psychotherapy that allows you to work through heightened emotions or traumatic experiences. It has been used to treat post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), bi-polar disorder, anxiety, and more. I’ll talk about this more in a minute, but first a little about attachment theory.

Attachment theory is the idea that our very early bonds with primary caregivers shape our lifelong development. Those early experiences also lead us to develop one of four attachment styles or ways of bonding with people.

1. Secure attachment develops when an infant knows their primary caregiver will provide comfort, understanding and safety consistently in times of stress.

2. Anxious attachment develops when children form worried, insecure patterns of interacting after getting inconsistent care from their primary caregivers.

3. Avoidant attachment occurs when children have learned their primary caregiver can’t meet their needs reliably, so they rely on themselves instead.

4. Disorganized attachment describes children who demonstrate a combination of avoidant and anxious attachment styles.

I think I am anxious and avoidant mostly with a little security up to age 7 only. As a result of these attachment styles I have, it has caused me to have:

1. Depression

2. Guilt

3. Self-Hatred

4. Low Self-Esteem

5. Anxiety and Panic Attacks

6. Compulsive and Obsessive Behaviors

7. Emotional Numbness

8. Frightening Thoughts and Excessive Worrying

9. Difficulty Concentrating

    10. Insomnia and other Sleep Disturbances

    11. Hypervigilance

EMDR can treat these and other common attachment-related challenges. In EMDR, my therapist uses a technique called bilateral stimulation (BLS) to help me explore and work through traumatic memories. BLS is believed to help the left and right sides of your brain communicate more effectively, like what happens when you're in REM sleep.

EMDR specialists work with clients to safely revisit the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs associated with their traumatic memories. Once the memories are identified, the therapist adds BLS. Bilateral stimulation seems to encourage rapid processing in the brain allowing me to work through the trauma more effectively. Following treatment, you still remember what happened, but it's less distressing. It feels like the moment or memory happened in the past, and I am no longer activated by that trauma.

A Sample Day on the Job While Working Through Therapy

It was a very hectic workday on Tuesday. I had back-to-back clients that had very high needs, and they were very sad cases with not near enough resources for all my clients who needed them. Just breathe and do as much as you can, show up with empathy and meet them where they are, I tell myself. 

2:30 rolls around, and it’s time to go home and get ready for IFS and EMDR therapy. I get to therapy, already feeling a bit heavy, nervous, anxious and fearful of what memory will come up and what parts will show up. I sit in my chair and breathe. 

I close my eyes and listen to my therapist's voice, having me check in and see what parts if any have something to share. This day, age 10 me is showed up. This is one of my most traumatic years, suffering horrific physical abuse by my mom's boyfriend, witnessing him abuse my mom, and being neglected, just to name a few. Tears instantly start rolling hard down my cheeks. I feel like I am 10 years old and not 50. I am sort of in a trance-ike state, a memory came up from age 10 when my two little sisters, ages 7 and 4, and I were all sitting in the hallway for hours as my mom's boyfriend beat her so badly. We could hear the punches and the cries. The door was locked, and I felt so helpless. I tried to get my little sisters to go away and play, but they wouldn’t leave my side. After the beating was over, he left, and it was safe to go to our rooms and attempt to sleep. This is the age I start self-harming because I needed to feel something different, anything, even if it hurt. I sharpened my pencil so sharply, and I stabbed myself with it. I  carved on my arms and my legs and burned myself with a lighter. It’s my little secret; no one looks at me long enough to notice anyways. 

As that memory was coming up, I jerked nearly out of my chair, and I leaned down and grabbed my stomach. This has never happened before. I physically felt the sharpened pencil going into my gut while in a trance-like state, and my therapist asking me what just happened, what memory came up, and she was explaining what my body was doing. 

My stomach hurt the entire rest of the day. I felt like a little child. I distanced myself from everyone, because I felt the need to protect my vulnerable heart from people who hurt me that are supposed to keep me safe. I had lots of tears, shaking. I was upset, with loads of fear, but I dared not tell my supervisors, co-workers, and acquaintances what I was going through and how it was showing up in my body, let alone that I have bi-polar 2 disorder as well. I already know how that would play out. I would be singled out, targeted, discriminated against, and my personal mental health spread around the office like wildfire, no empathy, no understanding, made to feel worse and then some jackass would pipe up and say, “I have depression, you know, and that has never happened to me.”  Yo, it’s not the same. 

It should not be that way in the workplace. Mental health is real. Treatment is real, and it can be effective, but it is very painful mentally and physically. For me, it is critical to do these types of treatments, so I can heal. I have been clean and sober since March 19, 2020, so most of these traumatic memories that are coming up, this is the first time working through them with zero substances. Brutal!

“Hard times are a passport that gives you permission to go places you wouldn't get to any other way,” said Pastor Levi Lusko. 

It should not be so hard to take a mental health day off from work when I am in a manic high or low state. Sick days can be used for all kinds of health reasons including mental health. Employers must make it clear to workers that they can take a mental health day, if necessary, but employers absolutely do not do this. Workers should not have to specify why they are taking a sick day, though mental health days should be treated like time-off requests for any other kind of illness. If you feel like your workplace is making an existing mental health condition worse, here are six steps you can take to protect yourself.

1. Prioritize self-care: self-care is the foundation of our physical, mental and emotional health.

2. Practice self-management: By learning and practicing self-management skills, you can avoid certain stressors, change stressful situations, adapt your perspective, and accept what can’t be changed.

3. Set boundaries: Exercise your agency by setting boundaries.

4. Speak out: A toxic work culture can’t be changed overnight, and you may not have enough agency to change your own position.

5. Follow your therapist’s advice: Practice what your therapist has told you to do when you are in a heightened state.

6. Start looking for employment elsewhere: you shouldn't have to put your mental health at risk to survive in the workplace.

Here are the necessary tips that my therapist gave me for what to do to prepare for a session, and what to do after a session. 

The day before the session:

• Start thinking about what your plan will be if your session is too intense to return to work or other responsibilities. What will you say when you call in sick. If you stay home, what will you do? Who will you call? 

• Eat a healthy dinner and get a good night's sleep.

• Let your loved ones know that you have therapy today and may need to reach out.

• Engage in some calming techniques.

The day of therapy:

• Don’t put any expectations on what memories do or don’t come up.

• Take a bath, or walk, listen to music, use breathing techniques, be honest about where you are mentally, or sleep if you need to. 

• Allow yourself to go through the emotions.

• Reach out. 

Therapy shows up in your body and can be painful, in your mind, and in your dreams. It also will heal your heart and can be beneficial! It’s a process though.

The process of blooming is as valuable as the flower it produces.