Will they still love me if I tell the truth?

Aren’t we taught as children to always tell the truth?

If you lie, you will go to hell, right?

I am just riddled with fear to let my true emotions be seen or heard.

I imagine the worst as a shy, timid, background type of little girl. I couldn’t possibly tell them this horrible guilt that my brother, their only son died and not me. Where is this coming from? Did I want death at just four years old? Or could I have overheard an adult conversation about it? Would my parents want to hear this truth? Probably no more than I wanted to hear: maybe it should have been me.

I was branded a liar from a very young age. I was horrified of telling the truth. I was horrified to look people in the eyes. I was horrified of letting anyone, and I mean anyone, down. I would lie even when the truth was better. A compulsive liar. To this day I don’t know why for all of those years I was one.

The definition of truth is that which is true or in accordance with fact or reality.

What about when I was a teenager, should I tell the truth to my parents that I want to die because I don’t feel loved and I feel all alone? I am scared to tell, and I know that they don’t want to hear that truth. Yet when a year later when I had my first suicide attempt, they said, “Well, why didn’t you tell us you were feeling this way? I replied with, “Would you really have wanted to hear that truth?” There was a lot of fear associated with it.

What about the truths I need to tell myself about all of these events and things that have hurt me so badly? What about the truth in my part in it? What about telling the truth to those voices in my head that say you are fat, stupid, dumb, ugly, not loved and you have no worth.

What about telling the truth to them and saying, “You are perfectly designed by God, you are so wildly loved, you are so incredibly smart, you are so beautiful inside and out…and you couldn’t possibly put a price tag on your worth.”

How different would my life be if I would have told those truths to myself years ago? It would be radically different. But I am here to hopefully encourage men and women to tell the truth to themselves. I am no longer branded a compulsive liar. It is not always comfortable telling the truth, but it is critically important that you do.

Being honest, real, and genuine are so important to me.

Even at the grocery store, the clerk asks you “How are you?” And you say I am just freaking awful, and I flat out don’t want to do life right now. Do you think that is what she really wanted to hear? No, she wanted a very short and very vague answer like “great,” and when you don’t say that, there is an awkward silence followed by, "Have a nice day then.”

I say people matter. Look them in the eyes, speak your truth, show compassion, listen intently, and spread truths. The truth is this world needs so much more love, so one by one, let's spread love and truths out there like we never have before.