Bright Lights

As far back as I can remember, I suffered from extreme self-esteem and self-love issues. When you combine a substance abuse disorder with childhood emotional neglect and abandonment, well, you have a very messed up young lady with emotional and other issues that felt like an ocean deep.

Who in the hell would like to hang out with such a disaster, right? The only crew I felt worthy of hanging out with in my youth were juvenile delinquents like myself. After all, we were all misunderstood.

Going back a bit to a childhood best friend of mine, Allison or “Alley Cat”: We were best friends since before birth because our parents were best friends. Allison was in every aspect the opposite of me. I was skinny, and she was not. I was popular with the group of kids I was accepted by, and she was not. I was book smart, and she was not. I had boyfriends, and she did not. I never turned my back on Allison because she was “not like me”.

Every school dance, Allison would be in the corner crying, wishing just one boy would ask her to dance. What I knew about Allison that they didn’t was that she was very smart despite outward appearance. She loved all animals, and cats were her favorite. She had two older brothers and a baby brother, and she loved all things Kenny Rogers. Allison deserved a chance to have that first dance, to be chosen in dodgeball, and to be seen and heard for who she really was. Given just a minute bit of effort by her peers, Allison could have had all of that.

Allison was my dear friend up until her passing, and as I write this about her, so many fond memories are rushing in, and I am so grateful I took the time and energy to get to know and love this beautiful person. Although I liked Marky Mark, and she liked Kenny Rogers, and we didn’t have much in common, I still went to sleepovers when I was invited, and guess what, I enjoyed them.

For me personally, I was compared to my three sisters so often by my parents, other family members, other kids, etc. From a very young age, I heard things like, “Why can’t you be more like your sisters?” That led me to believe something was wrong with me. As a result, I would never think outside the box and try to fit in with other people that I deemed out of my league because I did not feel worthy or like I deserved it.

Here is what I do know:

1. People need to be encouraged and built up.

2. People need to feel accepted.

3. People need to be loved for who they are and not what is socially acceptable.

4. People need to be reminded of how wonderful they are.

5. People need to be believed in.

6. People need to be told that they are brave and smart and capable of accomplishing all the dreams they dream and more.

7. People need to remind each other of this whenever possible.

I am now approaching 49 years old, and I have had some serious mental health issues and traumatic life events such as the death of my boy, self-hate issues, childhood trauma, substance abuse disorder, and severe domestic violence on several occasions…all of which brought me to where I am now. Now, I am a spreader of love and hope. I believe I fit in wherever I would like to. I believe that I have something to offer. I believe that I am worthy of real love. I am extremely lucky that a huge part of my job is building people up and helping them feel worthy and encouraging them to follow their dreams.

This I know: I will stop at nothing in making people feel loved, worthy, accepted, beautiful, wanted, and needed in this life regardless of what Hollywood and other people portray as normal or what their peers or anyone else makes them feel like because of trauma, mental health challenges, sexual orientation, outward appearances, status, income, or any other thing that makes us feel like we don’t fit in.

One of my favorite Bible verses is Luke 6:31, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” That flat out says it all to me. What a better world we would all live in if we all lived by this verse.

Let me leave you with this. You are loved. You are beautiful and special just the way you are. The world needs you. You are a bright light in a world that can be dark. So realize what sparks the light in you, and use that light to illuminate the world.