Seeing and Loving Fully

I am supposed to write this piece about what the world would miss if I wasn’t here. Instead, I find my mind floating to all the doubts I’ve ever had about my self-worth. It makes me think back to my days at the University of Washington…

There was this boy. He was amazing – both brilliant and beautiful, born with a finely chiseled face and body superiorly crafted through swimming, and he moved like a dancer. I had had a swooning crush on him since junior high. He was two years ahead of me in school and was practically mythological in my mind. I ran into him at UW, where both of us started college, and somehow (I honestly don’t remember how anymore), we hooked up. My breath is shallow and quickening even now as I remember the time his body pressed tightly against mine, my back pressed into a chain link fence, our mouths and hands devouring each other.

As mysteriously (to me) as we connected and spent time together for a bit, we stopped. I assumed he got what he wanted and ditched. That made sense to me. I don’t think I gave it a second thought. About a year later, I spoke with him on the phone and discovered that, in his mind, we were dating, and I just blew him off. I remember my head spinning about that. It did not compute that he actually cared about me, that he valued me for more than a hook-up.

I realize now that this is part of my childhood stuff – most significantly, my stepfather abusing me, my mom dumping me in favor of him, and my stepmom (well-meaning as she was) telling me my mom said she never wanted my brother and me anyway. When the person you value most in the world doesn’t want you (true about my birth mother at that time), it is hard to imagine that anyone else could value you.

That said, here’s what I know now: I am freaking awesome, and anyone that doesn’t see that can pack sand.

There are a lot of things that make me great: I am crazy smart, able to stop and revel in beauty even in the worst of times, always ready and willing to care for someone in need, and truly loving – to name a few very quickly. The last one is what I want to talk about a bit more, even though I recently went through burnout with people generally (my consulting work in recent years has exposed me to a lot of hateful shit that has been chipping away at my soul).

I typically come to love people when I get to know them. I think this is one of my greatest gifts – to be able to see people and truly appreciate people for their full, complicated selves.

For instance, I have this amazing friend that I didn’t think was so amazing, once upon a time. I didn’t like or trust her and told her as much when she asked me why I didn’t invite her to my birthday party. That became a long conversation in which we talked deeply about what was happening between us. I got to know a soulful woman that day – sensitive and struggling to be her full self in the world, like the best of us. Since then, I have gotten to know her as the most stalwart friend I have ever known – loving, reliable, thoughtful…with much greater beauty inside than some may credit her.

She and I show up differently in the world. There are things we think, do, and feel differently, and I am certain neither way is better than the other. I don’t need her to be the same as me, and she doesn’t need me to be the same as her. That is pretty special, and I will always love her exactly as she is.

Honestly, I am not sure I have done her any great favors because I have not had the wherewithal to be the greatest of friends to anyone over the past 15ish years, but making room for her love in my life has been a lifeline for me in my worst of times. I know she will always be my friend, no matter what.

I know I have been a lifeline for others throughout my life and have helped people see their own greatness (especially before Jasmine died), through my love and appreciation for them. Their stories are not mine to tell. I can say though, for example, that I was the one person that kept showing up for a young man who was drugging and drinking and philandering…and was feeling greater and greater shame as a result. I kept showing up because I believed in him and knew it was important that he find his way to the other side of that misery because he had a beautiful spirit that would light up a room, and I so wanted him to find his way back to that part of himself.

And I know I passed this quality onto my daughter. A little boy who was pretty mean to her in Kindergarten became one of her best friends over time, building from the moment she told him she cared about him and that she wanted to be friends if he would treat her right. Several years ago, he shared a story about her on Facebook. Here is an excerpt:

“When I take time to reflect, I can't help but look back and smile at what beauty she brought to this world. As I'm sitting in my office typing this, my life has changed immensely since then, but seeing her smile brings me back to those good days and I find myself shedding some tears of happiness.

I wrote an essay freshman year of high school, and just stole this quote from it looking back:

‘I've taken a couple things out of this experience. While together, Jasmine taught me many things. She believed that you could gain someone’s respect, even if they were not fond of you, simply by being kind to them. She taught me compassion, to be caring, and how to love, among other things.’

She was and remains to be a beacon of light, and even though I've come to terms with everything, I'll always miss her and think about her from time to time no matter where I am in life.

Thanks for teaching me to be kind to others before I knew the value of it, and thank you for always bringing light to my life. Rest easy, Jazzy.”

He saw her actions toward him as kindness. Kindness, yes, but that was just an extension of how she was in the world, genuinely and fully loving and supporting others as human beings with inherent value, whether they were using good behavior or not. She also understood that others’ lives weren’t as lucky as hers and that bad behavior often stemmed from other struggles in life. People deserved a chance to be their full selves.

What an amazing impact this way of being had on this friend! I have watched him from a distance as he has become a man, and I am always impressed…he is a great force in the world. And Jasmine was part of his becoming. And I was an important part of hers.

Jasmine wasn’t perfect. She would’ve struggled with her ego over time, among other things. Still, helping her to become who she was/is…it’s the best thing I’ve ever done, I’ve always said. I am so grateful to see the lasting effects, so grateful I stuck around to do that and have more time to continue to be there for others.

We all need someone to see us for our full selves because that is sometimes the only way the best in us might be seen. Then we can see the best in ourselves a bit more clearly. And then we might bring out that best part in ourselves even more. To me, this gift is the gift of hope and possibility, and I think we need more of that in all our lives.